I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
