Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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