my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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