Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
