dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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