Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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