There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
