mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
