just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
