Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
