wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
