Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
