I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
