He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
