Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
