I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
