After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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