I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
