bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
