I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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