Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
