I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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