Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?