I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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