I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
