Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
