Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
