Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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