in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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