I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
