my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
