he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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