I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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