Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
