I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
