Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
