In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
