Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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