Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
