Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
