in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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