i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
