wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
