he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
