If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
