maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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