Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
