I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
