my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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