if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
