my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
zippers are such a cool invention
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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