Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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