she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina