why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.