Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.