Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.