he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
