His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
