my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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