If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
