Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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