I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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